ILoveYou Kiss
by snuffleslove
Summary: The Marauders and Lily journey into unknown waters when Sirius discovers that he is gay, and Remus is gay, and that they are in love. But it's a long road to happiness. What happens along the way? Read and find out. Sirius/Remus, James/Lily


Disclaimer: JKR built the doll house

**Disclaimer: **JKR built the doll house. I'm just playing with the dolls.  
**  
****A/N:** I totally pretended that the vile excuse for a rat Peter Pettigrew does not exist. I couldn't have him tainting the marauders. Sorry if you're a Pettigrew fan. I hope you're not.

"But Professor McGonagall! I don't need tutoring! Especially in Transfiguration," complained an annoyed Sirius. It was common knowledge that he and James were tied for second in the class, under Remus of course.

"Sirius," McGonagall said quite sternly. "Your arrogance might go unchecked on the Quidditch field, but certainly it will not pass in my classroom. Just because you possess intelligence does not give you the privilege to skive off homework."

Sirius tried again, giving his Professor his best puppy dog face. "Pleaseeeee, professor?" he whined. "I promise it won't happen again."

But she would not budge. "TUTORING. Now."

And she slammed the door behind him.

At the sound of the door shutting Remus looked up, and his stomach gave a nervous wrench.

_What is wrong with you Remus? It's just Sirius. It's not like he's a hott quidditch stud or anything. _

_Awhh, stop kidding yourself. Sirius is, by far, the hottest guy you know. So admit it. You like his dark skin, his beautifully soft hair, the way his eyes dance mischievously…_

Moony shook his head as if to shut up the voices in his head. This wasn't the first time he'd heard them. It seemed as if the more time alone he spent alone with Sirius, because of James and Lily being together, the more attraction he felt for his mate. Too bad it's all one-sided… he thought, for about the hundredth time that week.

"What are you doing here Padfoot?"

"Apparently, I'm your newest pupil," he responded wryly.

"You? Tutoring?" Moony asked incredulously.

"I've been um… skiving off homework."

Lupin rolled his eyes, "I should have known."

Sirius grinned, and Remus' heart fluttered. That grin could melt the hearts of half the girls in this school, and the worst part was that Sirius knew it. Not that he was arrogant or anything. More like charming, and handsome, and funny, and...

_Tsk, Tsk, Tsk… How are you going to get anything done if you keep having those delicious thoughts about him? HMMM?_

_OKAY, OKAY. I get it. He's hot. So? It's not like I stand a chance with him. He's STRAIGHT. _

_Well isn't it worth the effort?_

_No! It's not! Now SHUT UP!__  
__Haha! And now you're telling yourself to shut up. Woooonderful Remus. Just wonderful. _

"You alright there Remus?" Sirius asked lightly.  
"What? Oh yeah I'm fine. Let's get to work," he said, pulling himself together.

"Do we have to?" Sirius whined. "It's not like I actually need help."  
"Yeah I know. McGonagall must be off her rocker. Couldn't she have just given you detention?" Sirius made a face at him and he chuckled. "Well, we have to do a little. McGonagall is going to check. Don't worry; we won't do too much."

Remus, it turned out, did nothing at all. He tried, he really did. But he could not stop thinking about Sirius, and the way he smelt just amazing, and the way their shoulders brushed just the slightest as they shared the same book. He tried not to stare. Instead he looked blankly at the pages of the book. He would ask the questions, and Sirius would dutifully respond, sounding more than a little bored.

"Okay, so what's the spell to transform wood into metal?" Lupin waited, but Sirius did not answer, and he was sure that he knew this one. Finally, reluctantly, he looked up, for the first time since they had started.

"Siri?" When he looked into his eyes they were shining, and he had this smug look on his face.  
"Your voice, Moony. It's shaking."

"I…" He looked so perfect. His high cheek bones and his confident air. The way the light reflected off his hair. And oh that smirk that no one else could possibly pull off as well as him.

Maybe it was that the room was too warm, or maybe it was because they were so close, but suddenly hormones and the werewolf in him kicked in, and suddenly, Remus was leaning in, capturing Sirius' lips in a kiss. A forceful, lustful, strong, passionate kiss.

The first thought that popped into Sirius' head was, "Bloody hell! Where did Moony learn to snog like this? He tastes so damn…"  
But all attempts at thinking were abandoned when Remus demanded entrance into his mouth, changing the angle of the kiss, and nibbling at his lower lip. Sirius moaned in pleasure.

And as quickly as it started, it was over. Remus pulled away as if he had been slapped. His face crimson, he darted out of the room.

Sirius, who was still caught up in the moment did not notice that Remus was on the verge of tears as he left. He could not get over how deep and passionate and just amazing that kiss was. And how aroused it had left him. He burned.

"I have to talk to James," he said out loud to no one. "Well, maybe after a quick cold shower." He pressed his palm into the bulge of his pants, and groaned at the pressure. What he really needed was Remus's hot lips against his own… Goddamnit, why did Moony have to be such a good kisser?

xXx

"James? I'm sorry, I really need to talk," Sirius said. He was feeling a little better now that he didn't have an uncomfortable erection, but still nervous and unsure about what had happened this morning.  
James, who had been cuddling on the couch in the common room with Lily, looked up, surprised.  
"Would you look at that Lily! He's actually APOLOGIZING for something. Incredible." Sirius only gave him a small smile in response and James instantly knew it was serious.  
"Sorry, Lils, I'll see you later," he said to his girl friend.  
"No problem," she smiled giving him a kiss on his cheek and getting up off the couch.  
James followed Sirius into their empty dormitory and once they had settled on James' bed, James looked at Sirius expectantly, so Sirius told his story.  
"What?! YOU LET HIM GO?!" James shouted, sounding angry and almost afraid. "BLOODY HELL SIRIUS. YOU JUST LET HIM RUN OUT?" Sirius nodded, his eyes downcast.  
"IDIOT! THIS IS MOONY WE'RE TALKING ABOUT. NOT ME! HE'S GOING TO BE IGNORING US FOR DAYS NOW! AND FULL MOON IS TONIGHT!"  
Sirius felt his heart sink. James was right. If it was the two of them, they would have thrown punches, hurled insults, and then embraced warmly. But Remus… They'd had a hard enough time convincing Remus that they actually cared enough about him to be his friends, and help him through his transformations. Would Moony ever trust him again? But hold on a second…  
"Prongs? How come you aren't surprised that I've just kissed a bloke?"  
"Oh well. About that." He looked slightly guilty. "Lily told me she had a feeling. About you umm, fancying blokes. And you know Lily. She's always right about this stuff."  
"Wait…she knew I was gay before I knew I was gay? Hell, I STILL don't even know whether I'm gay." Sirius said incredulously.  
"Don't look at me. I haven't a clue how she does it."

Sirius paused, thinking.  
"But still! Remus initiated it. You knew about ME being gay. But what about Remus"?  
At this James looked even guiltier than before. He wasn't sure how his friend would take this next bit.  
"Padfoot…" he said gently. "We've known for awhile that Moony is gay. He told Lily. And then Lily told me because she was worried…"  
"Yeah, or she wanted an excuse to tell her boyfriend. Who apparently couldn't find a good enough reason to tell his best mate." Sirius interrupted a slight edge in his voice.  
"No, Padfoot, you don't understand. She had a good reason to be worried, and she's even got me worried."  
"What do you mean? Why don't I know anything that's going on here?"  
"Once Lily told me, I kept my eyes open and I realized she was right. I think he ALMOST fancied that guy from ravenclaw in our year…Thomas."  
"Oh. Yeah. Good looking bloke I guess." Padfoot said, sarcastically. His chest constricted painfully, and he suddenly realized he was jealous. "What's your point?"  
James ignored him and continued.  
"I saw them making eyes at each other over breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. And the next day."  
"Finally I walked in on them talking and I kind of eavesdropped. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to eavesdrop over things like that, but I couldn't help it. I was curious. Anyway, I was shocked at what I heard. Remus was rejecting him! After he had left, I walked up to Remus and asked him why he did that. He looked embarrassed at first but when I persisted he shrugged and said, it was only a crush, it'd wear off. I looked at him like he was crazy. I mean here's a guy you're crushing on, asking you out, what could possibly make you say no?"  
He told me I didn't understand. Said I was unbelievably lucky. That's I've already met the girl of my dreams and we're going to get married and have lots of kids."  
I thought he wasn't too confident about being gay. So I said that it wasn't anything to ashamed of and that we were surrounded by gay people here, after all it is a boarding school."  
Sirius raised his eyebrows at that. "What!? I wanted to make him laugh!" James said defensively. He sighed.  
Anyway, it didn't help. He only mumbled that it wasn't about being gay. So I asked him what it was about, and he shouted that it was because he was a werewolf! I still remember his exact words. 'I'm cheating them aren't I? Because I'm not telling them the whole truth. If they knew the truth they'd never fancy me. After all, who could fancy an ugly, disgusting, MONSTER like me.'"  
He said it with such self-loathing and bitterness; it was scary."  
Sirius was stunned. "I thought he was comfortable with himself. I thought WE were supposed to be giving him confidence in himself."  
"I know!" James said frustrated. "And now he's not going take our help tonight during the full moon! He'll be stubborn and embarrassed and he'll just keep running from us."  
"Well…we could just go regardless"  
"No." James said, making it clear that it was final. "We can't disrespect Moony anymore than we already have."  
Sirius put his head in his hands. The two fell into a long silence.

Finally, Sirius broke it. "What am I going to do, Prongs? I've screwed up everything."

James sighed thoughtfully.  
"So you two kissed?" he asked suddenly.  
"…Yeah."

"Well…?"

"Well, what?"  
"Did he taste good?" James asked mischievously.

"JAMES!" and James laughed when he saw Sirius blush.

"What?" he asked innocently. "Why should he be any different than the girls we discuss?"  
"I…I…don't know."  
"If Lily was here, she'd say it's because he's really special to you." James said wisely. Sirius looked at him, trying to put his own thoughts into words. He hadn't realized that he'd been harboring feelings for their quiet friend, but now that he thought about it, it made perfect sense. They spent so much time together, and nowadays when something happened, the first person Sirius would think of to tell, was Remus. Remus could always make anyone smile, and everyone loved him. It was impossible not to.

"I'd do anything for him," he said finally. James laughed at him.

"Never thought I'd hear you say those words!"  
"James! Not helping!"  
James chuckled. It was nice seeing someone else lovesick for a change.

"Don't worry mate, I'll get Lily to talk to him. She's a miracle-worker. Everything will be just fine."  
"I hope to Merlin you're right, Prongs."  
"Don't worry, I always am." James said winking. But as they made their way back to the common room James couldn't help but feel a little unconfident. It had been ages since Remus had transformed alone, and James wondered how his transformations would be if they weren't able to distract the werewolf from hurting himself.

_Please, Gods, keep him safe._

xXx

The next morning at around twelve o'clock, James, Sirius and Lily silently made their way to the infirmary like they did every morning after the full moon. Last night for the first time in months, James and Sirius had spent full moon in their dormitories, tossing and turning and not getting much sleep. Both of them only had one thought. _Let him be okay. Let him be okay. Let him be okay…_

When they got to the infirmary they surrounded his usual bed, preparing to open the curtains. As usual the three of them took a steadying breath, steeling themselves for what they would see. It was difficult for them to see their best friend like this. Scared, wounded and in pain. Slowly, Lily pushed aside the curtain.

And gasped.

He wasn't there! Sirius was the first to react.

"Madame Pomfrey! Madame Pomfrey!"

"Yes, dear what is it?" she came to them hurriedly.

"Remus isn't here!" Lily exclaimed.

"He's always here before twelve. He's never late!" James said, his voice tight with worry.

"Why haven't you gone to get him?" Sirius said accusingly.  
Lily shot him a warning look. "Please Madame." She said.  
"But children, he's made me promise not to come get him. Says that it's too embarrassing for him and that he's capable of making his way here by himself," she said apologetically.  
"Please Madame Pomfrey," Lily begged, her voice heartbreakingly sad. "What if he's too hurt to make it back today? If he gets angry, we'll tell him we made you, but please. Make sure he's okay."  
"I…well…" she looked into the aggrieved faces of all three children and half-smiled. She was so happy for Remus that he had three people to accept him, understand him, and love him for who he was. "Alright." And the three of them sighed with relief. "Lily, come with me, just in case I need help. James, Sirius, you stay here." And she left with Lily following close behind.

Sirius and James sank into chairs, praying silently.

xXx

Madame Pomfrey and Lily made their way down into the Shrieking Shack and suddenly Lily let out a small scream, running to the bloody figure laying on the floor.

"Oh gods," Madame Pomfrey said softly. She quickly sent her Patronus to Dumbledore, explaining what had happened. Then she set to work on Remus.

Lily was crying softly. He looked so weak and vulnerable. There were cuts everywhere on his body.

"He's not…dead is he Madame Pomfrey?"  
"No child he's not. But he's just barely alive. Thank goodness for the three of you. You probably saved his life."

Lily stayed quiet as Madame Pomfrey mended him as best as she could. Then, casting a disillusionment charm on him, she hovered him with her wand, taking him to the infirmary, Lily running to keep up with the Nurse.

xXx

Dumbledore was waiting at the door of the Infirmary, and Lily ran past him into the open arms of James, who hugged her close, and rubbed her back gently. He didn't tell her everything was going to be okay, because though James still could not see Remus because of the disillusionment charm, he knew it was bad. Lily was strong and it took a lot to make her break down like this. _Please be alright, please be alright _he said to himself over and over again_._

Dumbledore and Madame Pomfrey put him in a bed and closed the curtains. All the trio could do, was wait.

Sirius looked stricken.

"Padfoot? Are you alright?" James asked, concerned for him almost as much as he was concerned for his other best mate, lying near death in the infirmary.

"I…this is my fault. This is all my fault."  
"Sirius…don't."  
"Shut up James! You won't have to live with the death of your best friend on your head! I'd rather die than know that I killed him!" He sounded terrified.

"Siri…" Lily crossed the room to him, putting her hands on his arms. "This isn't your fault. We'll make things right. Remus is not going to die today."

"Lily is right." James said, embracing his friend. "When he gets through this, we'll fix things between the two of you. I promise."

Sirius shook in James' arms, his body shuddering with silent sobs.

"I should have ran after him. I should have thought about someone other than myself."  
"Shhh, Padfoot. It's not your fault. He loves you. He knows you'd never do anything like this to him." James said, trying to be as soothing as he could. He knew this was Lily's department, but he wanted to be there so he tried as best as he could.

"He won't love me anymore. Not after this. Anyway, I'm not worth it. Not worth this pain."

At this, James pulled back.

"Don't you dare say that. Don't you dare. Everyone in this room would die for you, and you better know it. Everyone makes mistakes. You're just not used to it because you don't make them as often as everyone else."

Sirius tried to smile at James' joke, but he couldn't. He buried himself in James' shoulder, not at all stopping to think about what this would look like to Lily.

James could sense the shift in the hug going from platonic to…not so platonic, at least for Sirius. He looked up over his shoulder at Lily, who smiled back, understanding in her eyes. At that moment he fell in love with her all over again. _Moony was right. I am so lucky._

"James, Sirius, Lily." Madame Pomfrey called, and the three turned to her immediately. She sighed, closed her eyes, and then began to speak.

"Remus…isn't doing too well. He'll pull through, but he's going to be in a lot of pain, and we can't be sure how much permanent damage there'll be. There was a lot of damage done, and a lot of blood lost, and werewolf wounds are…tricky. He's stable now though, that's a good sign."

"Can we see him now Madame Pomfrey?" Lily asked hopefully.

"I'm sorry, but you cannot." She said apologetically.

"But Madame why not?! We'll be quiet we promise. We won't say a word. We just want him to know that we're here. We just want to be there for him." James said desperately.  
"I'm sorry James. But it isn't my decision."

Lily looked as if she had been slapped. The tears started to flow again.

James looked at her confused. He didn't understand.

Turning to Madame Pomfrey he said, "Is it Professor Dumbledore? Surely he understands that the best thing for Remus now is to be with his friends…"

But Madame Pomfrey shook her head.

"Then what's the problem?" James asked, upset now, as he heard Lily begin to cry. "Why can't we…"  
"James. He…he doesn't want to see us. He's not letting Madame Pomfrey let us see him. The jerk. How could he? After all we've been through for him." Lily cried, her voice tight with pain.  
Sirius paled and James became angry.

"Surely he knows that we're trying to help. Surely he's not that stupid. Surely he…wait! Sirius! This isn't your fault!" But it was too late. Sirius had fled.

Madame Pomfrey was upset. She couldn't understand why Remus would not want his friends by him. But she wouldn't disrespect requests, not even when the last one had saved his life.

"Go on James," she said softly. "Be strong." _Your friends need you_.

He nodded, and pulling Lily to him comfortingly, as best as he could, led her out the door.

xXx

They found him in a small secluded area, alone.

"So the smart-ass is all alone now huh? Potter and Black not here to protect you huh? No where to run, no where to hide…I think we'll have some fun with you, won't we?"

Remus looked up into the faces of Lucius Malfoy, Lestrange, and Avery. Their eyes were filled with hate, for reasons Remus had no clue about. He supposed it was because he hung out with James and Sirius. Well, used to hang out with anyway. He sighed. He was weak and tired, and it had been less than two weeks since that terrible transformation. He had spent the last week in the infirmary, and this one was of his first afternoons outdoors. Even though he knew that in his regular state he would have no problem taking them all on, he was in no condition to fight them now. Not without any help. Grimacing, he struggled to stand.

"Ooh look. The poor boy is going to try and fight back. Think you can handle us all by yourself?"  
"Not by himself." Lily emerged from behind them, brandishing her wand, looking livid.

The slytherins exchanged looks and silently decided it wasn't worth going up against the head girl.

"We'll be back," Malfoy snarled, aiming one good kick at Remus' shin.

Remus took the blow silently, though there was a hint of a grimace on his features.

Lily fumed. How she wished to hex them all into oblivion. But that could wait. _I have better things to do with my anger_.

When they had left, she turned her death glare on Remus, who shrank back. The hate in her eyes hurt him more than any physical blow could.

"Bastard." She breathed, full of fury.

"Lily…please" his voice was full of pain.

"Don't you dare. Don't you dare pretend to care about me."

"But I…"

"NO! SHUT UP! How could you Remus? How could you push us away? We thought you were going to die. We thought we were going to lose you. We wanted to be with you! We didn't want you to die." Tears leaked down her face, and slowly she could no longer hide her pain. She began to cry. Remus rushed to her, pulling her against him. She began to beat his chest in anger. He waited, knowing he deserved this.

"How could you? How could you do this to me? To us?" She kept saying over and over, until finally she submitted to his embrace, her tears flowing freely.

"Please, Lily, don't cry." He said, stroking her hair. "I can't bear to see you like this. You don't deserve this pain. It should only be mine. It's not your fault I was bitten by a werewolf. Not your fault I kissed him. Only my fault, my pain."  
She pulled away. Her expression had changed from anger to disbelieving. He sighed inwardly in relief.

"You're supposed to be smart." She said. She could not believe the words coming from his mouth.

"That's what they say." He mumbled, looking down.

"They're wrong. You're not. You're incredibly stupid." She said matter-of-factly.

"I know!" he cried. "I let the werewolf in me take advantage! I ruined the first real friendships I've ever had. I'm an idiot Lily. Oh Gods."

"Wow Remus. None of the statements you made were correct. Well except maybe the part about being an idiot."  
Remus was confused. "What are you…"

"HE KISSED YOU BACK DAMNIT. ARE YOU TOO DENSE TO REALIZE HE WAS ENJOYING HIMSELF? DID HE NOT KISS YOU BACK?"  
"Yes. But." Remus stuttered. He hadn't allowed himself to think Padfoot might actually have liked the kiss. "He's the sex god of Hogwarts Lily! He's straight!"

"That's bullshit Remus. You know better than I that he's never been with any girl. You KNOW all of that is just stupid rumors. Hell, if every rumor in Hogwarts was true I'd be sleeping with all three of you."

"We're supposed to be sleeping together?" He asked intrigued, his eyes holding a twinkle of mischief, and Lily spotted a ghost of his old self. She rolled her eyes.

"Not my point Remus."

He sobered. "I…Lily. Please don't get my hopes up. He'd never fall for someone like me. Not when he can get any girl or guy he wants. He knows, Lil! He knows I'm a werewolf. How could he love me when he knows I'm so disgusting? How could anyone love me?" He looked anywhere but at Lily. Afraid of her judgment. Afraid that she would realize what he was and walk away.

"I love you," she said, her voice firm and unwavering.

He looked up. Surprised. Shocked even.

"Don't look so surprised. Can't you tell?"

He looked down again. She was right of course. When had there been an instance when she hadn't acted like she loved him? What was wrong with him?  
"He loves you."  
"He doesn't." Remus mumbled.  
"He hasn't eaten since the full moon Remus."  
"What?!" Remus said incredulously.  
"He. Loves. You."

"I…don't know what to say." Could Padfoot actually care about him? Actually love him?  
"Don't say anything. Just. Don't run, Moony. Don't run away from us. We're your best friends and he loves you, and we love you. So just, give him a chance."  
Remus nodded, tears in his eyes.  
"Promise me you'll hear what he has to say. Promise you'll be strong enough not to run."  
"I…I promise."  
Lily smiled then. Her first real smile since the incident in the infirmary. She hugged him close, and then pulled away, lying down on the grass. He joined her and they watched the clouds together in silence.

"So…how was it?" She asked him after a long moment.

"Damn hott." He replied dreamily. Then, as if realizing what he said, sat up straight, blushing.

"LILY!"

"What?" she laughed at him. "I was just curious. He looks like he would taste hott. He is one good looking bloke!" and she whistled, winking at him. He laughed.

"Don't even think about it Lils." He said, growling playfully.

They laughed together.

"We should get back," she said after a moment.  
"Alright." He helped her up, and then she put her arm around his waist, and he put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close, and together they set off for the castle.

When they reached the Great Hall however, Sirius skidded to a halt in front of them. He looked…angry.

"Everything al…" Lily began, but Sirius cut her off.

"I thought you were supposed to be gay." He said accusingly to Remus, though he never looked him in the eye.

Remus looked confused, but Lily answered swiftly.

"He is. You know we're just friends, Padfoot."

"This looks an awful lot more than friendship don't you think?" he snarled.

"What's it to you?" Lily shot back, defiantly not pulling away from Remus.

"I…" For once, Sirius look flustered. "I'm just looking out for James."  
Remus, who'd been admiring how hott Sirius looked when he was angry, finally found his voice.

"Padfoot," he said gently. "I'm gay, remember? I don't find Lily particularly attractive. No offense, Lils." And she smiled back up at him. "Besides," he continued. "James trusts me."

"Yeah, I do." James said, coming up behind Sirius.

"Oh hi sweetheart," Lily said, crossing to him. She stood on tip toe to give him a kiss on the cheek and in doing so whispered "Plan is going perfectly" in his ear.

Out loud she said, "Would you like to join me for a walk around the grounds? Or perhaps you better take care of your friend." She indicated Sirius' retreating back. He had stormed out looking rather upset. She winked at Remus, and left for the common room.

James grinned at Moony. "Good to see you mate. You've been missed." At this Moony smiled.

"Thanks James," he said quietly. "It means a lot." Then he chuckled. "And thank goodness for your Lily or I'd still be wallowing in self pity."  
James laughed. "She's amazing. I find new reasons to fall in love with her everyday. Well, I'd better go take care of this. I'll see you in the common room."

And he left in the direction Sirius had gone.

xXx

"Sirius?" Padfoot turned from where he had been standing, admiring the view from the Owlery, absorbed in thought.

"What was that all about, Padfoot?"  
"I don't want to talk about it." Sirius mumbled.  
"Oh? Well that confirms it. Jealous git." James said sternly.

Sirius growled and looked away. "I made the same mistake as last time, Prongs. Only this time I overreacted instead of not reacting at all."  
"Don't worry, Siri. Moony already knows you're an idiot. He's not going to stop loving you because…Padfoot, are you okay?"

Sirius had swayed on the spot, and James took a good look at him. He looked sickly and pale and far too thin.

"Siri…when was the last time you ate anything?" James asked carefully, keeping the shaking out of his voice.

"I…I can't remember…" and with that, he collapsed in a heap onto the floor.

_Bloody hell. Second time to the infirmary in ten days. _James remained surprisingly calm. He scooped Sirius up bridal style and carried him down to the infirmary. _Merlin, he really hasn't eaten in ten days. He's so light._  
"Madame Pomfrey!" He called almost pleasantly, when he reached in the infirmary. He could feel nothing. He was numb.

"James Potter is that you? What are you doing back here so soon? Get out!" She replied jokingly from inside her office and James even laughed a little at the lame joke. It was not until Madame Pomfrey came out, saw him and Sirius, and then asked her next question did he break down.

"JAMES POTTER. WHAT HAS HE TAKEN?"

"WHAT? Are you suggesting Sirius is taking DRUGS?" James asked almost angrily._ How could she suggest such a thing_?

"I am not suggesting, Mr. Potter. I KNOW what an overdose looks like. I am TELLING YOU. He HAS taken drugs, and unless you tell me what he has taken, I cannot help your friend."  
"But…I don't know. I honestly had no idea." James' voice was shaking and he quickly laid Sirius on the nearest bed, fearful that he might drop him. And then, Lily burst through the infirmary door.

"James," she cried out, running to him and pressing a small medicine bottle into his hands. He's been taking these. Remus found them in the bathroom. He must be lacing them with…"  
"magic. Yes," Madame Pomfrey interrupted. "It's quite brilliant if it wasn't so stupid. But then I guess you can't expect anything less from Sirius Black." She gazed at his unconscious form lying broken on the bed. "Very well, I should be able to revive him in no time. If you'll wait over there Ms. Evans, Mr. Potter."

She drew the curtains around Sirius's bed and got to work.

Lily looked at James.

"How are you holding up sweetheart," she asked concernedly. _No one should have to go through this, but if anyone can manage, it's my James._  
"I'd be dead without you," he answered her matter-of-factly, pulling her to himself and seeking comfort in her arms. "I feel like my life has been turned into a stupid soap opera," he mumbled into her neck. "This is ridiculous. How could he? How could he do this to me? How could THEY do this to us? I'll kill him for trying to kill himself. I will. He's stronger than this. I know he is."

Lily said nothing, just stroked his back comfortingly. Even she couldn't find words to soothe him.

"Very well," Madame Pomfrey said, coming out from behind the curtains. "You can see him now. I have to go deal with these pills. Don't tire him out. He's still very weak." She walked into her office.

Lily looked at James.

"You go on," he said to her. "I need to attempt to calm myself."

She nodded and walked in. He was just waking up. He still looked tired and sickly, but at least he was not unconscious anymore.

"Lily?" His voice was hoarse, as if he hadn't used it in a very long time. "Where am I?"  
Lily opened her mouth to answer, but before she could James burst into the curtained area. He looked beside himself in anger. Lily held him back as best as she could.

"Shhh…James," she said. "Relax…I'm sure he has an explanation."  
"No. Lily. Let go of me," James snarled. "Let me kill him. Let me take a piece out of him. He seemed so eager to do it himself."  
Sirius looked anywhere but at James. It wasn't supposed to be like this.  
"Look, he can't even say anything for himself. How pathetic. Thought you were going to take the easy way out of life huh? Didn't think you'd have to face me: your family, your BROTHER. How could you even THINK about abandoning me? How could you try to leave me like this?"

"James…please try to understand. I never…I never meant to hurt you or anyone else."

"You're not an idiot. You knew that if you died, half of me would die with you. You knew this would destroy me. You might as well have killed me too. And what about Remus? Did you not think about him for even a second? Did it ever occur to you that he was going to blame himself for this? You should have killed him too! Then the marauders would be gone, but at least we'd still be together. At least we wouldn't be as broken as if you'd left us like this." James's voice was crazed and high pitched, and Lily turned away. She couldn't bear to hear him talk like this. Sirius was horrified. There was absolutely no color in his face.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, his voice breaking.

"To hell you are," James snarled. "Lily, LET GO OF ME."

He broke out of her arms and lunged himself at Sirius. For a second Lily, thought that he really was going to kill Sirius, but he caught himself just in time. Instead he pulled Sirius up roughly and embraced him.

"Bloody hell, Siri. Don't you EVER do that again. Do you understand me? You scared me half out of my mind."  
"I won't. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to leave you like that. I just…" Sirius was shaking and shivering against his best mate's chest.

"Shhh. Oh gods, Sirius, you're so thin. I feel like I could crush you."

"I'm sorry, Jamie, I'm sorry," Sirius said over and over again.

"James," Lily interrupted. She had been watching the two of them with relief on her face, until she heard a very familiar voice outside. "James, I think it's time to go."

James gave her a confused look, but trusted her.

"Alright, Lils. Sirius, I'll be back okay? Rest."

"Yes sir," Sirius offered a weak grin as he watched the two of them leave.

He was just about to close his eyes when Remus entered. He stood by the doorway, watching him, and Sirius stared back.

"Won't you come sit with me?" Sirius asked quietly. Remus didn't move.

"Please Remus? I…I need you. I want you. I want this. Us."

Remus studied him for a moment longer and then moved to the bed, settling down on his knees next to Sirius. He raised his hand to move Sirius's hair out of his eyes lovingly, and Sirius flinched, as if preparing to be slapped. Remus withdrew.

"I don't want your pity Sirius." Remus's voice was cold and detached. "I have had enough pity in my years than anyone should ever have. Pity's probably all I deserve, being…what I am, but I won't be able to handle it from you. It'll hurt too much. I'm sorry I kissed you. It won't happen again." And that was it. He walked out.

"Remus! Don't…go." But it was too late. Remus was already gone.

Sirius sighed, and leaned back against the pillow, closing his eyes against the inevitable tears.

xXx

Outside the infirmary, Lily paused to look at James.

"I'm sorry I pulled you away James. I heard Remus's voice, and I thought they might need some time alone."

"It's alright Lils." He looked at her. Even through all the hardships, whenever he looked at her he felt warm inside. Suddenly, she put her arms around him and kissed him. It was soft and tender. The perfect "I-love-you" kiss. When she pulled away, James felt whole again. Tension vanished, and he felt lighter than he had in days.

"Thank you," he whispered to her, reverently. She smiled at him playfully.

"My pleasure, Mr. Potter." Suddenly, worry filled her eyes.

"This can't be good," she whispered to James as she saw Remus exit the infirmary. "He's leaving too soon."

James sighed. _Oh boy_.

"Remus, what's the matter," he asked, apprehensively.

Remus sighed. "I'm sorry James, Lily," he said. "But it looks like Sirius isn't in love with me after all."

"What are you on about, Remus?" Lily asked.

"He flinched, when I tried to touch him," Remus said heavily, sounding very ashamed. "He thinks I'm a monster."

It was James' turn to freak out. He paled considerably.

"Oh gods," he said under his breath. "Siri…"  
"What was that James?" Lily asked, concerned.

"Nothing," he called, running to the infirmary. "Remus, this isn't over. There are some things you don't know about Sirius. They'll be explained. This isn't over."

And he disappeared into the infirmary.

Lily and Remus stared at each other.

"If he says its not over, then it isn't," Lily said firmly. "Don't give up hope Remus."

xXx

James took a deep breath, and drew open the curtain surrounding Sirius's bed.

"Jamie," Sirius breathed, looking relieved. "Please. I need you."

James walked to where he was laying, uncertain of what Sirius expected from him. He sat down on the bed, bringing his feet up, and leaning back against the head board.

Sirius shifted so that he was between James's legs, and moved back so that he could lean on James's chest. But James put a hand to his back, stopping him.

"Wait Sirius, since when have we turned into such…girls," he asked a little nervously. Sirius did not look at him.

"Since I discovered that I'm in love with my best friend who just happens to be a guy. Since I almost killed him. Since my rapist of a father is ruining my life once again. Please James. I know I'm being pathetic, but…please."

James did not hesitate. He pulled Sirius to him, and then ran his hands along Sirius's arms, finally interlacing his fingers with his own.

"Oh Siri…" he said. "I'm so sorry."

"I didn't mean to flinch, James…" Sirius said, brokenly. "I swear."  
"I know. I know." Silence for a moment.

"Siri, you need to tell him. You know that right?"

"I know…he's not going to think I'm…dirty, is he," he asked, seeking reassurance.

"Of course not. You accept him even though he's a werewolf right? Don't worry Padfoot, it'll work out."

"Thank you, James. I owe you so much," Sirius whispered.

"Best mates don't need to say thank you, Siri," James said firmly.

He moved out away from Sirius and got up slowly.

"I'm going to go get Remus now, okay?" he said.

Sirius nodded, nervously.

"Do you need time?"

At this, Sirius shook his head rigorously. "I need to fix things James. Right away."

James smiled at him, nodded, and left, leaving a trembling Sirius in his wake.

xXx

It had taken a lot of convincing and persuading to get Remus to where he was just now, right outside Sirius's bed curtains. _This has been a ridiculous…two weeks. I can't even remember when things were normal. I need things to go back to normal. I can't do this anymore. Maybe I shouldn't go in. Maybe it's not worth it. _

_No Remus, this is Sirius we're talking about. How long have you loved him? He's worth it, you know he is. _

So Remus drew a steadying breath and walked in.

"Sirius," Remus said in a strong voice.

Sirius looked up. "You came." And those two words were filled with such heartbreaking sadness and disbelief and gratefulness that Remus instantly regretted his previous hesitations. He crossed to Sirius's bed.

"Of course I did." He sat and took both of Padfoot's hands in his own. "Tell me," he said gently.

Sirius looked into his eyes, and then looked away.

"One of the reasons I ran away was because my father…he used to…" Sirius lost his voice, his hands shook in Remus's, and he would not look at him.

"It's alright, you don't have to continue," Remus said consolingly, hiding his disappointment. James had said that it was important. He wouldn't give any hints at all, only saying that it was Sirius's story to tell.

"No. It's…alright. Let me say it. I should be strong enough to say it by now. And you deserve to know." He took a deep breath. "My father used to rape me. And molest me. Ever since I was a little boy," Remus gasped, but Sirius ignored him, continuing in almost a trance-like state. "At first, I didn't realize that it was wrong, it was all I had ever known. But soon I learned, and I began to resist. He started to hit me and tie me down. James saw the bruises. I can't hide anything from James. I tried to, believe me. I was ashamed. I felt dirty and used and weak. I used to give him all kinds of excuses…just like you. But he figured it out. He was furious; there wasn't much he could do and he felt frustrated. But he gave me strength to run away, and he gave me a home and a place to go. And it's over now. I didn't mean to flinch. I swear, I didn't. Our kiss, it was instinctive, and I didn't have much time to think. But when you went to touch me…I don't know. I've never had a man other than my father touch me like that. It was reflex. I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I'm so sorry…" he trailed off.

Remus couldn't find words. They had deserted him.

"Say something," said Sirius, still not looking at him.

Still, Remus could not find words.

"Say anything, please." Finally, he looked Moony in the eye. "You're not angry are you? Please say you're not."

Finally, Remus could speak.

"Oh Sirius…of course I'm not." And he embraced him, holding onto him for dear life. And then, he kissed him. It was as passionate and hott as their first kiss, but there was something else. Tenderness. Love.

"I love you, Sirius," Remus breathed, when they came up for air.

"Till death due us a part, Remus," And he kissed him again.

And it was a perfect "I-love-you" kind of kiss.

_End._


End file.
